a space that only art can fill

knowledge fails

art is vision, opportunity, possibility, truer self

create

leave behind what isn't yours

fall into the self that you've tried to silence for too long

and i do mean fall, give way to what seems to be the gravity of it

and if that doesn't work for you

it's okay.

it's always okay.

~Nikki

"Oscar Wilde, people."

Thanks Eve!

"Saul Williams, people."

Thanks, Eve

Thanks Tasha Smasha!

For one moment this video lifted my spirits. Now I'm retreating back into the hole I crawled out of.

B
E
l
i
e
v
e

Alan Watts: A Conversation with Myself-Part 3

My Return

i'm in an interesting frame of mind (maybe even a phase). during my time away, i did a lot of studying and exploring the ideas and concepts of others, and i have found a very common thread in these studied people's current thinking. that common thread is the idea that the world is undergoing a very unchartered and magnificent change, one that will send the human mind and physical body into experiences that most people cannot fathom.

now, one could argue whether these changes will cause the major types of occurrences that folks are forecasting. that argument has led me to the understanding of years and ages passed, it was always in retrospect that people understood the goings-on; so, it is that i've decided to accept the early possibility that MOST of these predictions will fall CLOSE in line with what is already here and what is soon to occur.

with all of that being what it is, i've decided that my task is to decide who i want to be within this process. i believe that deciding now could be a great way to avoid picking up or doing too many things that are only going to further distract me. and i say "too many" things because i am at the core still ME, and that means that LOTS of times i allow my fears to lead me into areas that stray from my desired intentions--even though this is never bad because there is something to be experienced in every decision.

for now, i hope everyone has enough of what they need, and feel okay with ridding themselves of the extra crap that is weighing them down--and boy, at times, i am very weighted.

since it's been a minute, feel free to click the comment button and say hello!

Miss Nikki Ann (32 years on this planet and still laughing/crying about the happenings on Earth)

No One's Home

I Will Be Returning On

November 1st!

See you then...

Libra

It's that time of year again. The time for reflection for those of us under the sign of Libra. And even if you're not one who believes in astrological signs, you must admit that it's hard not to cheer when yours is mentioned.

We are just coming out of the Virgo-Libra Cusp phase and are now entering into the Libra I phase, which started today. My birthday isn't until October 12, so that makes me a Libra III, which means my special won't arrive until the phase II birthdays pass.

Anywho, it is my tradition to spend time in reflection and giving (to myself) during all the phases of Libra. Years ago, I began gifting myself an equal amount of gifts to match however many years old I was turning, which means that this year I must gift myself thirty-two things. Sometimes it's easy, and other times it's hard coming up with so many gift ideas--but these gifts aren't usually material/tangible; this year I'm thinking of gifting myself a fast.

I am just now starting on the list, and the first thing I am gifting to myself is a month away from blogging. I'll still Twitter and Tumblr, so check me out there. **Tumblr is Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room**

And honestly, Spirit led me to gift this to myself because I am worn out. Tired as heck. And being so tired is starting to interfere with the integrity of my work. It is way too easy to let my ego speak when I am writing from a tired mind. Lately I've been second guessing some of my writings on the blog, knowing that I'm too tired to be the "channel" I try to be. You see, though I write for the few of you who drop by, I also write so that I can go back and read the insights that flow from me; I actually learn from my own writings, and I put into practice those things that I write about. And right now, My Truths ain't flowin' right 'cause I am just too tired to stay connected during my writings.

Anywho, the Libra III phase ends on October 19th and then we enter the Libra-Scorpio Cusp, and that lasts through October 25th, with Scorpio I phase starting on October 26th.

So I've got from now until October 19th to ride the Libra energy. And to all of you in the Libra-Scorpio Cusp, I'm willing to celebrate all the way through October 26th with y'all too.

My head is banging. And my ego is waiting for any small window of opportunity to sneak in and cause trouble, so I'm gonna stop here and give myself the rest I've been fighting. When I return, maybe I'll post the remaining 31 gifts that I will have given to myself.

I love y'all.

See you on November 1st!

(Yes, I realize that I'm taking a little over a month off! It's my birthday, and I can do as I please, right?)

Celebrating 32 Entertaining years...

The Birthday Girl,

Miss Nikki Ann

Living In Meditation

it's like God said to me:

"O0000h! Okay! You want to know what it's like to be me? Well, I have this baby here in the heavens, just waiting for a home. And I'm running on a shortage of parents because everyone is praying for a "good" or "happy" or "well-behaved" child, even though your world needs more than just that; you humans need something more to force you out of your sleepwalking.
I've run out of parents willing to accept anything that doesn't fit into their ideal of what a child should be. The baby I give you will cause you some confusion. Everything that people tell you their babies are doing, will seem contrary to what he is doing. But I tell you this, if you can find the wisdom I've bestowed upon you, and utilize it as patience and understanding, you will then begin to know the kind of love I have to give to my busy, complaining, fussy, cantankerous ADULT children on earth. Nikki, that's God! That's Me! Loving all of you, having patience with all of you, regardless of your personalities.

You complain about your children, but none of you ADULTS are a walk in the park. It amuses me how much you ride the backs of children to embody things that you yourselves don't practice. All I ask is that you love this precious child. And if you do so, you will find that all the things you thought were so difficult about him aren't so difficult, and those traits are there to ensure the expansion of your mind and the mind of the people of your world. You are having a child in a time when things are changing. Children are meant to be seen and heard. They are a direct connection to Truth (Truth is Me!). To shut them up and shut them out is to deny Me. Listen and learn from this child. He is a key link to all the wondrous things you desire to embody. Love him. Love him when no one else wants to love him. Love him when he can't find it in himself to love you. In these things, you will grow to know and understand Me. And then you will feel Me, and know Me, in a way you have never before."

***

tonight before putting Sir to bed, i was overwhelmed with the urge to tell him to come over to me. i knelt down to his height and took his face in my hands. i told him:

"i love you. i love you for who you are. i love you just as you are."

he hugged me for a long time. we just stood there and embraced.

and now i extend that same love to all of you.

"I love you all. I love you for exactly who and what you are today. I love you just the way you are."

Live in Love and Peace Shall Follow.

Memory Lane

Sir at 6 weeks

Adyashanti

"How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are." - Adyashanti

lets take out "do not support" and add "hate" in its place.

now reread...

"How you interact with those who hate you shows how enlightened you really are." - Adyashanti

now lets remove "with those who hate you."

now reread...

"How you interact shows how enlightened you really are." - Adyashanti

Perfect.

have MErcy

Had Sir Been That Jena Dude

i would have come to the jail and asked:

"did you do what they said you did?"

and if he had answered in the affirmative, i would have said:

"good luck."

all he would have seen after that is my backside.

point?

there WILL come a day--AGAIN (poor Martin, all that hard work for nothin')--in the history of black folks when we will return to non-violence.

to hell with what folks of other colors are able to get away with--when did we start measuring ourselves by that meter?

solution?

there has and will always be only one way:

love.

u cain't expect nobody ta' luv ya' iff'n ya' don't luv ya'self.

hmmm...i wonder why dem white boys out dere is pissed off?

nobody gets an ass-whoopin' and likes it--especially not if they're being beaten the hell up by some nigger.

but...

every child belongs to GOD.

i repeat!

every child belongs to GOD.

miss nikki ann finds nooses. miss nikki ann drafts letter to all parents and local residents to attend a peace meeting. miss nikki ann brings the folks together in an attempt to make PEACE before some foolish white boy gets knocked the fuck out by some angry ass black boy. miss nikki ann does all of this swiftly, before tons of "high-profile negroes" come into town for ANOTHER moment in the spotlight. miss nikki ann gives the townspeople their power back, makes them accountable for their community: micromanagement. and miss nikki ann makes those poor, lost kids do community service work together, and watches as they begin to bond and melt barriers for themselves and possibly their friends, families, and townspeople.

we be tryna' fight big wars instead of solvin' da' little disputes before dey leads ta' big wars.

ain't nobody perfect.

BLACK folks included.

white man ain't shit.

black man ain't shit.

other colored man ain't shit.

WOMEN! those with the God-given ability to make peace...

create it within yourself, then within your home...

solves half the problem...

next...

spread that peace throughout your community...

solves 25 percent of the problem...

last...

elect folks who believe in "peace opportunities"...

solves the last 25 percent...

black women...

we must deal with our anger issues that are connected to racism and race relations.

yes, millions hate us, but why must we carry their burdens of hatred and pass it on to our sons...

black women...

we must heal what's on the inside...

release.

forgive.

yes, forgive massuh of all the beatings, and the rapes, and the hatred, and the fear.

to not forgive him is to not forgive ourselves.

we must begin to teach our sons the ability to maintain peace under the most absurd and ignorant circumstances.

if not?

we will perish. and it will have a lot to do with US and not them.

justice does NOT reside in a court, it resides within you and your home.

O.J. was the last Negro to "get off"--don't expect Tyrone to escape without doing time.

for those who feel compelled, reach out to as many underprivileged/uneducated/unknowing/unconscious mothers and give them the same reality check:

the answer is love.

THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION. TO BELIEVE THAT ANOTHER OPTION EXISTS IS TO BELIEVE IN LIES--and black folks hate being lied to.

i pray for the healing of all the white folks involved in the situation, just as much as i pray for the blacks.

as God said to Neale Donald Walsch in his book "Conversations With God":

"There is only one of us in the room."

meaning?

he be i and i be him.

when i hurt you, i hurt me.

As Reverend Dion spoke about today in church:

"Live in unity and not division...look past what's in the past."

He also said, "When people are in conflict, if you can't point them to the Cross, then stay out of it."

Point?

If you can't spread love, don't do anybody any disservice by spreading fear and hate.

I AIN'T THE SMARTEST PERSON, BUT WISDOM GIVES ME THE INSIGHT TO KNOW BULLSHIT WHEN I SEE IT--EVEN WITHIN MYSELF.

Peace

I SAID PEACE!

Gabcast! Quotable #25 - My Truth 9/20/2007 Evening Post

My thoughts for the night...

Gabcast! Quotable #24 - My Truth 9/20/2007 Morning Post

My thoughts for the day...

Terence McKenna on Psychedelic Society

Seva Cafe Video Link

Click the above title to see an amazing video about Seva Cafe. Not only is it informative, but, to me, this video is a work of art.

Seva Cafe

*Eve, thanks for another great link!

Seva Café works on a contribute-as-you-wish model. It is important that you understand exactly what this means – both for the sustainability of this restaurant and for a new way of looking at economic interdependency represented by our model.

On the one hand, contribute-as-you-wish means what it says: you, and only you, determine how much you will give to Seva Café at the end of your experience here. Our finances are completely transparent, and it is simple to determine the minimum amount of money the Café will need to take in from each guest if it is to stay in operation. But ultimately, judgments about the care that was taken to bring you wholesome food, the pleasantness of the environment we have created in which you enjoyed your meal, the spirit of our project, and the overall nature of your experience here will be for you to decide – and to express by means of contribution."

~Excerpt taken from Seva Cafe

"How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are." - Adyashanti

Without having first seen this quote, I'd already begun the process of dedicating my "living meditation" to its words (living meditation is staying in prayer without needing to put Amen at the end because the prayer never ends, like the soul).

Saturday I watched Sir and Pricess Laya playing with a bunch of kids at a farm and then at a bookstore. At the farm there was a little boy whose parents weren't receptive to anyone or anything. Instead of feeling offended, I imagined that they simply weren't having a "good" day/moment. Meaning they weren't "open" at the time, for whatever reason, to a friendly exchange. Then at the bookstore there was a group of kids who seemed to be very "selfish" and "unruly." Instead of looking at them with judgement as they pushed and yelled at other kids, I decided to see them in a different light: as children who weren't being gently guided towards compassion (as I and Princess Laya's mom TRY to guide our little ones). One mom finally got fed up and yelled at the kids, but I refrained from reacting and watched to see if it made a difference.

And instead of focusing on the "unruly" kids, I played with the "yelling" mom's "sheepish" son. What I discovered is that she feared her "sheepish" son wouldn't be able to hold his own in a "mean" and "unruly" and "unforgiving" world. She feared it so much that she didn't watch and notice that, in fact, he WAS holding his own. He was the ANGEL at the table. To me, his stability brought a certain calmness. Look, the fact is that it's near impossible to be effective at dissolving ego-based, negative actions with more of the same; and her son was naturally born with the ability to know that. If she could only follow his lead, she'd feel better about the world. Sir was another ANGEL at the table who seemed totally unaffected by the "unruly" children.

I could go on and on about that situation, but today is my FIRST day off in about two months. Being a stay-at-home mom, I am with Sir every single friggin' day, pretty much without any breaks. So today, I am going back to that same bookstore, but by myself. I'm gonna get a few hours to myself to relax and see what precious moments serendipity and syncrhonicity will lead me to.

Eve, thanks for posting this quote:

"How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are." - Adyashanti

Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room

Come on over and see what's new...

Warning: Adult content. This linked site contains what some would deem as too much profanity and vulgar language/topics. Please remember that my Living Room is a creative outlet that's meant to stir you in a different way than this blog. For those against it, I will continue to keep it light here at Miss Nikki Ann's House. Thanks for visiting.

Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room

(Miss Manners does NOT reside here)

Rebounding

my recovery rate is shortening.

in my youth, i would take a negative situation and allow it to fester for such a long time. and in order to regain composure, i'd have to call 50 million friends to vent and rant and rave.

now, as a woman, i rarely call anyone on the phone for reassurance, and if i do make a call it's only because Spirit led me to that "perfect" person to help me to remember to stay the course.

times are changing me.

so i bless that little angry girl, kiss her and tell her i love her as i send her back to where she belongs: in the past.

and i pick up whatever lingering baggage i have, which now only consists of a few easy-to-travel bags and not trunks and boxes of hurt and pain, and i move forward to better understanding and wisdom.

and on that final day, if i haven't mastered what i've come for, i pray that i'll only be a breath from doing so.

until then...as usual...and as i'll continue to repeat until this cry is heard and answered throughout the earth...

h
a
v
e

me
r
c
y

You may have wasted the entire day, week or month up to this
point. Yet that's no reason to continue with the
unproductive, negative pattern.

No matter what has gone on before, you can make the most of
right now. Any prior ineffectiveness cannot stop you from
being truly and purposefully effective in this moment.

You may have made a lot of mistakes and errors in judgment
on your way to where you are. But that has nothing to do
with where you can choose to go from here.

Don't worry about getting over the past. You are over it
because you are here right now.

Right now, your best dreams beckon. Right now, there is
plenty that you can do.

Can you feel the incredible freedom and opportunity that
this moment represents? Take hold of that freedom, seize
this precious, promising moment and live the life you are
meant to live.

~Ralph Marston

Apologies

i've hurt someone. or, if you want to speak in a more "enlightened" sense, someone has allowed something i've done to hurt them. and that hurt has lingered for years (almost 10 years!). i apologized because i don't like doing things that hurt people.

and at the same time, i had to move from apology into a place of not looking back, despite the person's feelings about my "old" actions.

to "over apologize" is to not let go. i believe in a thing called "perfect forgiveness." and though i have not mastered it, i understand why it's so important:

your past, if given the chance, would tie you down an leave you for dead--make you believe that you're something you no longer are.

so i've reevaluated my "old" actions and "reinstated" the peace i feel about my "old" actions. i can't afford to return to self-destruction simply to assure someone that i wish i hadn't done them any harm.

but the ultimate and scary truth?

people's actions can only hurt us if we decide that they can.

no one's hurt me...i've only hurt myself.

but i know that those are thoughts of Masters, like Jesus. but wasn't he the one who spoke about the amazing things that we humans would do? and is it so hard to believe that "perfect forgiveness" exists?

we must stop limiting our minds and our abilities. perfect forgiveness is a possibility. the problem is that as you leave bullcrap behind, even those who care about you will want to entice you back to the past, to keep reliving those moments.

RUN!

and if possible, if you can find the courage not to care what people think, never look back--unless you're utilizing your past as a tool to help steer others in a more positive direction.

yes, i apologized. but i'm looking forward to "evolved" friendships where it's understood that there may be hurt, and that all those fluffy and apologetic words aren't needed when we fall short of each other. and as i examine my life, i find that the universe is giving me those types of people who can keep moving forward without needing to exchange apologies.

CRYSTAL, PAUL, TURKESSA, TASHA, ERICA, PRESTON...

you are just a FEW of those people.

my goal is mastery. if i set the bar any lower i will disappoint God (if that's even possible). And who but somebody in HELL wants to do that?

FYI: any old friends of Nikki's (not Miss Nikki Ann, but Nikki) who are reading this and have been hurt by any of her actions, do not be surprised or offended if you call me up and i act as if nothing ever happened. and if i find that "i've allowed' any of your actions to hurt me in anyway, i will--someway, somehow--get the fuck over it and call you up like nothing ever went down. i owe it to you to release you of your negative past, and i owe it to myself, so that i can expedite the healing process. pain shouldn't have to linger for years--even for a murderer.

But that's just My Truth.

Miss Nikki Ann

Another Monthly Town Block Watch Meeting

it was refreshing to see all my old elderly friends, complaining and fussing about the usual stuff. this meeting ran extra long as we had lots of "stupid" criminals to laugh at--they make the silliest mistakes. but one wasn't so fun...

high school boy has disagreement with dad over playing high school football. two days later he's still heated about it. he goes into his father's room as he's sleeping and stabs him 22 times. somehow dad is able to overpower the boy and calls for help.

one of our most irksome block watch attendees got into a heated discussion with the police officer who heads the Community Concerns Division. this woman is always getting in his--and any town worker's--butt. finally he was fed up after a year's worth of abuse and verbally--without profanity--slayed her. i grew tense, not knowing how he'd be able to continue his presentation with such tension, but he did, and with composure and all. most of us had chuckled at some time or another about all of her negative comments about the police department's way of doing things, so i'm sure she had it coming.

after the meeting was over, somehow she and i got into a conversation. we took that conversation outside in the drizzling rain, and talked from about 8:30 to 10:10 (i know cause i checked). i learned so much about that obnoxious women: the first thing being that she's obnoxious on purpose; it's her tool for getting things done. i learned that she's a twin and that she and her twin are total opposites (her sister being meek and quiet). i learned that she's single, but that her married sister has two daughters that are 14 months apart. The eldest daughter is like her and that drives her sister crazy. the eldest daughter is soon to marry a man that took the old-school route and courted her. and instead of moving in together before marriage, they live across the street from each other. i learned that she too is tired of watching so much riff-raft coming into this quiet little town. in her youth she lived in my neighborhood, so we spoke about all the local stores and places that "used" to be safe to walk to alone and at dark. she's a republican (i'm a supposed democrat). she's a catholic. she hates how her neighbor's loud music rattles her house. and she's sick and tired of being called a racist because she's fighting to keep her neighborhoods safe (cause God forbid if a white person complains about a black neighbor). and like i told her, "i'm black and i complain about my black neighbors, and some white one's too, but that don't make me no racist either." it means we're concerned tax payers who remember a time when life was simpler and neighborhoods safer.

now when i go to the next meeting and she's bitchin' and moanin' until it pisses us all off, i'll have a better understanding of what motivates this woman. cause God forbid if a woman talks in a loud voice that demands to be heard...that's just unladylike! and if this were Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room, i'd throw in some choice swear words like: "Fuck being ladylike when so much of the world is going down the toilet--make a stink if that's what kicks somebody's butt into gear." hey, maybe it's not my style, but how can i hate on those whom it works for.

Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room

Warning: Adult content. This linked site contains what some would deem as too much profanity and vulgar language/topics. Please remember that my Living Room is a creative outlet that's meant to stir you in a different way than this blog. For those against it, I will continue to keep it light here at Miss Nikki Ann's House. Thanks for visiting.

Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room

(Miss Manners does NOT reside here)

It's In The Air

something's brewing. and if i'm not careful i could be swept away with the mounting energy. it's at these times when i get a chance to really see how strong or weak my connection is. to see if i can utilize, under pressure, all of the skills i try to nurture. my goal is to stay quiet. listen more and talk less. get a sense for what's happening and stay connected to my higher power so that i'm ready to contribute consciously, and in a centered fashion, to whatever issue is at hand. simply: to not move before it is time to move.

you see, my truth is that earthly beings are playing out a big storyline. and if you watch and listen closely, you can be guided by what your next move could be. i say "could" instead of "should" because we were born with an extraordinary gift: choice.

so i'm paying close attention, and boy does it make me feel inadequate and out of my league. but it's not about leagues, it's about being led. so much of it is an illusuion anyway--but it's so easy to get trapped in the "fake" game.

we'll see...

Conversationcafe.org

Eve's Wisdom

"Don't ask your friends, your priests, your astrologer, your real estate agent, your gurus, your experts, your newspapers, your talk show hosts, your bookshelves, your politicians, your "leaders" for advice and guidance. They don't know (although they may from time to time act like know-it-alls).

You have a compass that's uniquely calibrated for you and you alone. The time has come (if you haven't already), to commune with your own higher self, peak to your own higher self."

~Evelyn Rodriguez

Gas Station Bullshit

"The God of this universe had promised that He would always, throughout the mortality of the individual, remain aligned with each child and continually SPEAK to each. The telepathic communications would always be ones of encouragement and love, NEVER FEAR ORIENTATED! This is why so many of you ones at times have the thought, “promises made and promises kept."

~Seth D8

Around 1993-94

I was sitting in my dorm room with him (a place where boys weren't permitted to go).

He said: "What do you envision for your future."

I said: "That I will be able to walk into a room and exude an energy that draws people to me without my having to say a word."

Almost a decade later...

My uncle said: "I had a dream about you. You were on a stage in a room filled with people who desperately wanted to get to know you. And I told them with much pride: 'I already know her. That's my niece.'"

Last night...

I had a dream that my maternal grandmother and I were in a kitchen and a woman had come to her for her wisdom and sage advice. I watched closely as the two interacted and the woman felt comforted by my grandmother's energy. I was in awe and yearned for that experience even more so than the glimpses that I've experienced with it thus far.

In this moment...

I look toward something that is neither physically visible or tangible. At times I feel like a mad woman who has lost her mind as I move forward to a place that at this time exists multi-dimensionally. But I follow. It's why I'm here. And I am grateful.

Another Outlet

Here's the link to a new endeavor called Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room. This difference between Miss Nikki Ann's House and Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room? Well, this is the whole house, encompassing all aspects and parts of my life and personality, whereas, over at the Living Room, I'll be focusing on only one part of who I am in shorter snippets and anecdotes without any regard to how people feel about it. Here at Miss Nikki Ann's House I try to give four-star treatment, ensuring that the guests are comfortable and not too offended. At Miss Ann's Living Room I won't give a damn about my guests' feelings (which is why there won't be a comments section) or level of comfort (nor will I care about my own). Keeping it crass and simple, the way some things in life are.

FYI: If you're easily offended it may be a good idea to stick to this blog and avoid my new Living Room.

Miss Nikki Ann's Living Room

So what?

I was

off
v
a
c
a
t
i
o
n

i
n
g

and

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

in love all over again.

v
a
c
a
t
i
on

Seven Minutes of Rain!

I found this video on jumpcut.com. And it really is 7 minutes of rain! It was so soothing that I almost fell asleep; I think this would be great viewing for those having trouble with sleep.

Introducing...

The boy whom I will now affectionately refer to as...Master Pan Dulce (pronounced: Pan-Dools-a, which means Sweet Bread in Spanish). I will refrain from inserting his real name due to the known risks of photo and information sharing on the Internet. Let's just say that he has my father and Peanut's full name, which makes him the third. Also, I did a little research and found that if translated his real name would mean something like: The man whom God hath sent to care for the people of the community. At least that's MY translation. Anywho, here's Master Pan Dulce...

Excerpt taken from THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE:

"We have bigger houses but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicines, but less healthiness; We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; We have become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are times of fast foods but slow digestion; Tall man but short character; Steep profits but shallow relationships. It's a time when there is much in the window, but nothing in the room."

- His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

Hmmmm....damn!

schvartze

Mandy Moore Covers Rihanna's "Umbrella" Live

Sometimes folks remake a song and you just want to yell leave it the hell alone! Then there are other times, like this, when it's done so beautifully that it's brought to the next level and you want to cry.




Now rewind to Rihanna's Live Performance of "Umbrella"

for a minute, let us toy with the idea that any- and everything we ever thought we wanted isn't really what we want or need. just for a minute...

life ain't this or that, it's the other

sometimes, all the material goods we desire cost us time and energy away from a very important and key thing: people

i need more hours, more jobs, and more money so that my family can spend more money and less time together

wow, i love this shirt! so what if i already have 200 shirts and i can only wear one at a time

i've accumulated so much junk that i don't know which item (that when i first purchased it i swore i needed immediately) to use first

all my meals are taken at a restaurant, but i put an expensive pots and pan set on my wedding gift registry

my hair's perfectly cut and groomed, but i dare not cut ties to things that are weighing me down

Oh! What Thougths My New Nephew Provokes...

Gabcast! Quotable #23 - My Truth 8/17/2007

My thoughts for the day... (Key topics: the birth of my nephew, family, possibilities, children are the future, new life, pregnancy, birth, newborns)

BE

A

U

T
Y

Thanks e.Craig!

I was visiting my favorite blog spots:

http://www.karrine.com/home/,
http://www.funformemusicforyou.blogspot.com/,
http://fridayfavecast.com/wp/ ,
http://ecraigsworld.blogspot.com/,

when I went to e.Craig's blog and began viewing an amazing video of exotic women across the world. All of a sudden...BOOM!...my face popped up--and more than once! Man, I'll tell ya', the universe doesn't allow a sista' to feel down for too long (especially with this new wave I'm riding). It's been a long and hot sweaty day (I went with Sir and his buddies downtown to the carousel). I wasn't feeling sexy AT ALL. But now...I feel a whole lot better.

"Craig, you're after my heart."

Now I can go and work until the friggin' wee hours with a smile on my face.

Here's the video's link: http://ecraigsworld.blogspot.com/2007/08/venus_16.html

Gabcast! Quotable #22 - My Truth 8/15/2007

My thoughts for the day... (Key topics: forgivness, hatred, illness, meditation, prayer, God, Spirit, Goddess, the universe)

Friday Favecast

This episode was informative and FUNNY as heck. But you'll need a little time to listen to the entire show.

FYI: One discussion was on "booties" and another on "cut buddies!" Now that's "whoa!" (that was for my hip-hop heads).

www.fridayfavecast.com

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FYI: Sometimes the quality of my audio recordings aren't that great. I'm usually calling in from a cell phone as I am exercising, and that makes for murky waters. But I post them all anyway, just as you don't rip a page out of a diary or journal simply because it wasn't perfect. At least, most of the time you don't! LOL! Y'all have a good one. I know I will.

Gabcast! Quotable #21 - My Truth 8/14/2007

My thoughts for the day... (Key topics: ebb and flow, riding the wave, serendipity, synchronicity). Please note: In my anecdote about Hawaii and New York, I got the the destinations a little twisted, but you'll get the gist of it. Hey, that's what happens with live material--imperfections.

Gabcast! Quotable #20 - My Truth 8/13/2007

My thoughts for the day... (Key topics: life is a journey and there is no one specific destination, depression, suicide, living, enjoying the journey)

RE: Tasha Smasha

Let me say this while my spirit is moving me to. I recently posted some random thoughts about Sir and received a moving response from a long-time friend. Let me tell y'all the truth. Sometimes it is hard to come to this page and be totally bare and butt-ass-naked with you all. I have an abundance of fears just like the next person, and it takes so much out of me each time I post anywhere on the Internet. At times people are harsh, mean, cruel, unyielding, unsympathetic...and I never know who will or will not take to what I claim my truths to be. And I'm pretty sure lots of you have had times when you just rolled your eyes at the things I've had to say (sometimes I roll my own eyes at my audacious thoughts). But despite it all, something keeps bringing me to write what I write. What I know is this: the more I reveal about my life, the more people are open to coming forward and revealing themselves.

We've come to a time where people are removing their masks. We were all born for this time, or else we would have been born during another time. Thank you, Tasha. Thank you for taking off your mask and admitting your faults. Thank you for deciding to forgive yourself for those faults, so that you can build on being a better mother.

Each day I fall on my face when I'm dealing with Sir, my family, friends, strangers, rabbits, dogs, myself, trees...but I TRY to state my errors, dust my silly ass off, forgive myself and utilize that knowledge to continue on with the walk of life. And then I present it here to you. Thank you for coming to this page. Thank you for being open. And thanks to those who are willing to remove their masks and truly show themselves.

"Hello, my name is Nikki. Today I defended gays, today I felt the urge to yell at my son--on other days I have yelled at him, today I felt the need to do away with organized religion, today I felt the need to bow down and pray to God, today I felt free, today I felt enslaved. Today, no matter what I felt, I LIVED. I didn't take a gun to my head; I didn't choose the easy way out. I lived this bitch as hard as I could. I wanted to cry. I wanted to apologize to about three people. I wanted to yell, kick and fucking scream. But no matter what, I lived this motherfucka. And I am here. I. Am. Here. I AM because that's what I was born for: TO BE."

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people, for cryin' out loud!

Synchronicity

There are so many things I could say about this short film, but my time is short, so I'll keep it short. Let me just say that this film offers a look at what possibilities lie ahead for this world if we could look at the picture as a whole.

We set off a chain reaction whenever we try to help ourselves. And when helping ourselves from an ego-based standpoint, we merely create other problems. But when helping ourselves from a loving standpoint, we have the opportunity to heal the world. Examine your life in a "syncrhonistic" way. And note how things turned out when you helped yourself from a place of ego instead of a place of love. How many people were affected by your actions? What was the outcome?

Simply: when we do a thing, it WILL and DOES affect more individuals and things than we can fathom in that moment.

My goodness, I'd like to elaborate, there just isn't enough time.

One...

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Introducing...a new addiction...

http://www.justin.tv/

long day
watched Sir playing with kids at neighbor's family reunion cookout
watched closely
watched him being a boy
not a newborn
not an infant
not a toddler
not even just a child
but specifically...
a boy.
he's a boy
and boy am i blessed
there are moments when Sir and I are around childless folks and i worry
i worry because he's a BOY
a wild, silly, busy, throwing, touching, breaking, hitting, kicking
BOY
there are moments when Sir and I are around folks who have "mannered/tamed" kids
and i worry because he truly LIVEs OUT LOUD WITHOUT ANY APOLOGY
as a child should live
as adults SHOULD live
i worry that he's living too much
that his living might annoy others who don't live
i worry to the point of making myself ill, secluding myself
when he was born i knew he wasn't gonna be one of those "easy" babies
i asked God for forgiveness for all the other folks with "busy" children whom i'd judged
heck, when he was in the womb, i should have known by how ill i was that he would be a live-out-loud kind of guy
and i love him
i love him when he approaches folks and doesn't care about invading their personal space
i love him when he's pushing his friends and STRANGERS around
i love him when he gets upset that others are pushing him around
i love him because he makes me reevaluate my sheepish ways
i love him because he teaches me acceptance and patience
i love him because he is sooooo not me
i love him for him
and to all of you folks out there with "quiet and always obedient children"...
watch out! Sir might come for a visit and rock your world...
the way he's rocked mine
and i am thankful.

here's to making folks nervous and living out loud without apology.

Miss Nikki Ann, the mother of a boy

Gabcast! Quotable #19 - My Truth 8/11/2007

My thoughts for the day... (key topics: seasons, change, summer, fall, moving through difficult times, psychics)

Keeping You Posted

I'm trying to stay focused on my project, so I wanted to drop by and let you all know that there may be days when I don't post throughout the rest of this month. Hang in there with me, though. I'm trying to take my scattered efforts and procrastination and box them up for a while, making only a few things top priority. Unfortunately, blogging has to take a backseat for the rest of the month, which also means that I won't be reading my favorite blogs as often either. But I will be twittering--that I refuse to give up!.

I will post when I can.

And this project is dedicated to anyone who has the desire to follow their hearts, but find that fear is keeping them from it. I'm doing this for you (and me! LOL).

Miss Nikki Leaving Procrastination Behind Ann

From Heatwave to Cold Front

only 54 degrees out, never did make it into the 60s. i went to the movies this morning and found myself wearing a sweater jacket and pumping the heat in the car. it's raining and it's dreary--that's New England for you. and around here it can go from 54 degrees to 90 overnight, so only God knows what tomorrow will look like. for those dealing with the heat, stay hydrated.

The Heatwave...

has finally broken here in Connecticut. Today's high was 80 degrees and tomorrow's high is only 64 degrees, with a low of 57 degrees!

But my heart does go out to all of you who are still dealing with the oppressive weather. Please stay hydrated.

Thanks Erica!

Yesterday you were the light to my darkness. God always sends me an angel. Yesterday that angel was you.

Your friend,

Nikki

It's at these times when you want to turn back, and every fear inside of you says that you should be turning back...

Miss Nikki Ann turns around; seeing nothing but darkness, she decides to move forward. She walks along the way, tripping on things she can't see, feeling for walls to be used as guides. Slowly there appears a light, but as the walk turns into a journey, she realizes that it'll be awhile before she reaches the light. She panics, fear spreading throughout her body. Sensing that the journey's too long, she turns around and heads back in the other direction. But there is no light. And without any light she has no way to gauge whether or not she's headed somewhere or nowhere. So she turns back around, seeing no light, but determined that if she puts on foot in front of the other, she'll soon come to a place of light. She moves forward, this time standing on her own, no support from the side walls. And the light appears. It's still far, but reaching, it's essence pulling her closer and closer. She continues to move to the unknown. And the walk is long, but along the way it becomes more lighted and she begins to see specks of light like she's never seen before, fragrances she's never smelt before. The path grows more lighted and she stops to look around. Suddenly she can make out faces. Faces of people she knows and people she's never seen before. And she sees you. You've been there all along, journeying with her. You all look forward, knowing that there is still a ways to go, but now knowing that the entire journey itself is the destination and the light you'll arrive at will only be another marker on an endless path to forever.

Thank you for journeying with. And though it's dark out here, we continue to walk toward greater. And you're being here with me makes this sometimes dark journey well worth the travel. You are my destination. I am my destination. Let's go...

Miss Nikki Choosing All Possibilities Ann

no matter how many people tell you how great you are...

no matter how many people tell you how smart you are...

no matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are...

it's no matter...

until it matters to you.

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*if you think this is a repeat, evaluate your life and see if you've applied it.
*i'll keep posting it until I get it.

Working, working, working.

Despite it all.

Gabcast! Quotable #18 - My Truth 8/7/2007

My thoughts for the day...

just finished watching some Karrine TV. my site meter is showing that people who research Karrine's name are coming to my page instead of going directly to Karrine.com. **Miss Nikki Ann shrugs her shoulders**

"hi there to all you folks interested in Karrine. i, too, find her to be an interesting woman."

it's been a special day of rest (cleaned up lots of poop) and i'm preparing myself for a ride that i've been long avoiding. today is my last day of rest, tomorrow i'll be venturing into some murky water. so for those whom i actually keep in contact with by phone every other year (y'all know i'm terrible with phone calls) be at ease in knowing that i'm tied up and will be that way for some time (wishing that i could be "tied up" by someone instead of something--yes, i'm talking dirty talk to someone in particular).

so...lots to do and very little guts. and though i'm lacking in guts, i'm willing to put one finger in front of the other to accomplish the task. i've enjoyed--most of the time--doing things for other people, but am now determined to do what i need to do for myself. and though it sounds exciting, it entails so much work and patience that i'd almost like to runaway from it (as i have many times before to many exotic islands, sunbathing and procrastinating my ass off). but i am determined and willing to forgive myself for procrastinating as long as i have.

now i must go and rest so that tomorrow i can't use the "i'm too tired to..." line.

goodnight to you all and may you find the strength to pursue your heart's desires despite how you've failed/disappointed yourself many times before.

i'll chat with you tomorrow.

Miss Nikki Working Her Ass Off Ann

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Karrine Steffans Answers Fan Mail

A little something made my day...

I'm feeling a bit under the weather after a long weekend of partying. Peanut and Tee Tee's party was amazing (Peanut had a HUGE surprise fireworks show for Tee Tee that night. And I'm not talking sparklers, I'm talking "you need the town's permission" for this type of a show. AMAZING and BIG and LOUD and LONG.) Anywho, me, mom, Aunt Theldra, Gia, Erika, Tony, Crystal and Peanut put lots of man hours into preparing for the "it's not a baby shower" party. The house was full of folks, as were the garage, the basement and the backyard. We'd worked really hard on the menu and from my understanding (I was so busy that I didn't eat) the food was great.

The point is that I'm so tired that I can't see straight. And in that same week I went to the Beyonce concert, which was held at the casino, and I then went to the casino again at the end of the week with my godbrother (causing me to hit the sack at 3 am). Busy, busy, busy. I think I caught a bug at the concert--and coupled with the lack of sleep and lots hard work on (AND at) the party, a sista' is done!

But today I went to one of my favorite sites to find that I'd been mentioned on the writer's blog and in his audio post; I was so excited that I played it for mom and it truly made my day. It's his August 3rd post, and if you scroll down you'll see a button that you can push to listen to his show. The show is about 30 minutes long and I suggest that you listen to it in it's entirety if you have the time, since I think it's a great show. But if you're short on time, you can fast forward and I believe my mention is about 13 minutes in. Here's the link: http://www.fridayfavecast.com/wp/.

Speaking of other folks' blogs and pages, here's a list of my favorites that I subscribe to in my Google Reader and read everyday:

http://ecraigsworld.blogspot.com/

http://www.funformemusicforyou.blogspot.com/

http://www.fridayfavecast.com/wp/

http://evelynrodriguez.typepad.com/crossroads_dispatches/

http://www.karrine.com/home/

And of course...http://twitter.com/MissNikkiAnn/with_friends

Because of these wonderful folks, I continue to have a love and passion for internet interaction--and a bad case of procrastination when I'm supposed to be working but find myself reading and listening to what's going on in their lives. And I thank them for being a bigger part of my day than they can imagine--especially since I've never met these folks!

I'm out!

Miss Nikki Ann

Gabcast! Quotable #17 - My Truth 8/6/207

My thoughts for the day...

Karrine Steffans Video Update 8/1/2007

Fisher-Price Recalls Licensed Character Toys Due To Lead Poisoning Hazard

Sigh... I am actually toying with the idea of not purchasing any toys for Sir that are manufactured in China, being that a recent study has shown that 60% of toy recalls were of toys manufactured in China. Actually, I think I've just made a final decision: no toys from China. Period. That's done. (I just couldn't sit here, complain and not do something. If we keep buying Chinese Manufactured toys, the demand won't go down. And as long as demands up, the companies don't feel the pressure they need to feel in order to be forced to make necessary changes to maintain their financial status. We, the consumers, ALWAYS have the upper hand; sometimes we just forget that. But I won't be that sucker today! Um, tomorrow could be a different story.)

Fisher-Price Recalls Licensed Character Toys Due To Lead Poisoning Hazard

toddler writing on toys and furniture
not good
me?
trying to keep my cool
lots of things to do
but not feeling pressured
like i have all the time in the world
and i kinda do
feels like friday
it's thursday
is it thursday?
feeling something inside
needing to do something with that something
am now doing something with that something

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Gabcast! Quotable #16 - My Truth 8/2/2007

My thoughts for the day...

Gabcast! Quotable #15 - My Truth 8/1/2007

My thoughts for the day...

"It's like, have you ever been somewhere and overstayed your welcome?"

I recorded this while taking a difficult walk uphill and pushing heavy Sir in the stroller at the same time; so the words may be difficult to make out.

Gabcast! Quotable #14 - My Truth 7/31/2007

My thoughts for the day...

Little Dude

Sir ran into the kitchen, beaming with enthusiasm. "I did it! I did it!"

Hmmm, I thought to myself, I'd better go and check this out. "Show me what you did," I said as I followed him into my parent's room.

Sir walked up to the television and pointed. "I did it! I did it!"

I looked closely, trying to think as a toddler would thing, then noted that the television's built-in VCR looked strange. I dug my hand in to find items that I'd been looking for for some time, including the money he'd just stolen from my purse. I pulled out his infant toothbrush, coupons, enough money to put him through boarding school... But there wasn't enough time to fully examine all the damage.

I walked into the kitchen and showed Crystal and my mother my findings.

Mom said, "Ya' know, I'd noticed that my television had been acting funny."

Now as I'm typing, I realize that I didn't even look into the televisions CD player to see what treasures he'd hidden in there. After a good nights rest, and walking myself through my FREEDOM steps, I'll go and finish cleaning out the VCR and examining the rest of the damage.

Note to self: As you walk through those FREEDOM steps, be sure to address the anger you felt towards him for showing out at the Italian bakery, one of your favorite places. And ask for extra forgiveness for the depths of disgust you felt as you had to carry him out of there, dragging him by his limp arm, hoping that a bomb would drop on him before you killed him on your own; only to find that you'd left the place without getting a sweet treat; only to find that once you buckled him in the car he was all smiles; only to find that you were so pissed that you didn't return his smile and refused any conversation with him for at least the next two miles; only later to look at him with a gentle heart and the will to try to be patient with him again; only to later find that he would break your favorite pair of sunglasses; only to find right now that you now have to walk through the FREEDOM steps and forgive him for that too...

I Don't Know Nothin'

Numbers aren't my thing; unless we're talking about percentages, that's my thing. Science isn't my thing, world history isn't my thing, sports aren't my thing, boating isn't my thing, cooking isn't my thing, rock climbing isn't thing, engineering isn't my thing, talking on the phone isn't my thing, being bold isn't my thing, not giving a damn isn't my thing, geology isn't my thing, cars aren't my thing, staining wood isn't my thing, being around large crowds of people isn't my thing, baking isn't my thing, retaining lots of random facts isn't my thing, ESPN isn't my thing, bungee jumping isn't my thing, giving directions isn't my thing, being present at every function isn't my thing, going to church every Sunday isn't my thing, politicking isn't my thing, measuring stuff isn't my thing, recording goals isn't my thing, keeping a calendar isn't my thing, wearing a watch isn't my thing...

The phone rings.

Miss Nikki Ann answers (yes, this is an unusual thing).

"Nikki, could you tell me why such-in-such is happening?"

"Do you want the truth or do you just want to vent?"

"I want the truth."

"Okay, here goes..."

Now, that's my thing. Call it what you may or don't call it at all; it's just my thing.

What's yours?

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Prologue

The alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.

The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.

But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.

He said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the goddesses asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."

"But...was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:

"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.


This excerpt is from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

little guy in the way

little dude decides that coloring monitor is okay

little guy trying to climb on desk

little dude trying to take my pen

little guy has enough pens in his hand

little dude seems to be going upstairs

wait.....

almost....

maybe...

yes, making way upstairs to bother abuela

*a sigh of relief*

must enjoy this brief moment

*taking second to enjoy*

now must go and finish project

have made lots of progress

and project will soon be over

until then...

working on other folks stuff and not my own

uh-oh! abuela is yelling at little guy

i've decided to stay out of it

now going to finish project

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"A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson: reading 2

Gabcast! Quotable #13 - "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson: reading 2

Miss Nikki Ann delivers a reading from Marianne Williamson's book "A Woman's Worth" (Chapter Six: A Golden Cord).

Sweet Kisses

First it was a kiss on my left cheek.

Then he moved to my right cheek.

I told him thank you and continued staring at the television.

The he gently kissed me on my lips.

I told him thank you again and continued my television viewing.

Then he kissed my left shoulder.

Caught me off guard.

Then my right.

I finally looked at him.

And he kissed my collar bone.

Time stopped.

I looked deeply into his wide eyes.

He was waiting for acknowledgment.

I hugged him and said:

"You are loving, gentle and kind. Thank you. I appreciated that."

And I kissed his soft shoulder.

He kissed my left cheek.

My right.

My left shoulder.

My right.

My lips.

My mom watched our intimate moment.

I was still in awe.

In that moment, I realized that a boy child's first moments of intimacy are with his mother (coming out of her vagina, breastfeeding, cuddling at the breast, loving kisses & hugs.) And however she decides to respond to it can determine how he'll nurture and care for the women he encounters in his manhood.

So I embraced him again, happy to give him a safe, loving, and nonjudgmental place to showcase his love and tenderness.

Here's to boys who'll one day be men. Here's to the women who will benefit from strong, sensitive, yielding men. Here's to love--love without apology.

"Sir, you can give my shoulders gently kisses whenever you please. And I pray that as you grow older, you won't forget to grace me with them forevermore."

~Mi Mi

"A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

Gabcast! Quotable #12 - "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

Miss NIkki Ann delivers a reading of Marianne Williamson's book "A Woman's Worth" (Chapter Six: A Golden Cord).

THE WALTONS/ INSIDE AMERICA'S RICHEST FAMILY - November 15, 2004

Things we forget about in our daily living...

THE WALTONS/ INSIDE AMERICA'S RICHEST FAMILY - November 15, 2004

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Man Up The Street Update

He's back! And not just that... She's back (the girlfriend who promised the judge on that television show that she'd never speak to him again) and her "little bitch" daughter is back! (Please note: Miss Nikki Ann is not calling "said" daughter a bitch; it's what Man Up The Street so lovingly called her one day). So they're all back.

Mom said to Miss Nikki Ann: "I should call her over here and show her the taping we have of them in court, and then tell her 'when you go to court the next time and the judge asks if you're going to stay away from him, tell the truth.'"

Yes, Man Up The Street's little bitch was outside pumping, bumping and grinding to some music that was playing from the vehicle that they'd all been bent over looking under the hood for two hours. Boy was it a show. And all I could do was chuckle. I hadn't noticed how much I'd missed their entertainment. But I sure as heck can't wait for them to go back home too! It's been hours, and as I type, they're still out there.

For those who are just getting acquainted with Man Up The Street, here's the link to previous posts: Man Up The Street Updates.

Besos

Rest Is Best

Gabcast! Quotable #11 - Rest Is Best

Miss Nikki Ann's thoughts on what a good night's rest can do for a confused and weary mind & body.

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Marianne Williamson's The Ten Bridges of Transformation

Boy did I hit the jackpot. I was sitting here, about to do some editing, thinking that I needed to do some meditation before moving forward, when I found this link to some audio clips of Marianne Williamson's: The Ten Bridges of Transformation. And it was exactly what I needed to regain my focus and composure. She said a couple of things that I had to write down:

"Only what you're not giving can be lacking in any given situation."

"Salvation begins when you consider the possibility that there might be another way."

I truly enjoyed listening to the three audio clips they have posted on the site. But enough chit chat about it. Here's the link: The Ten Bridges of Transformation.

Keith Sweat and The Sweat Hotel

Heard Keith Sweat on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. Woo-hoo! That's my boy. His chocolate voice and blatant lisp melt my heart. I was swoonin'! So I had to go to the website of his new radio show The Sweat Hotel. I just knew there was no way that the website could be as sexy as he is, but it is. Ladies...it is! Wow! The opening song is one of my favorites: Right and Wrong Way.

"There's a right and a wrong way to love somebody. Ya' love them right."

Miss Nikki Ann shouted back at the music, "Hell, love me right Keith!"

He has two other songs on there as well, you just look to the top right-hand corner and scroll through them.

And there's a section on the site called Apologies--I guess it's a recorded segment of his show where people call in to apologize to folks--ya' have to his voice on the recordings.

I don't know, it just made my day. Cleared my head so that I could do some work. It was nostalgia, made me think of the Friday evenings Ma and I spent with records spread across the floor. My favorite was always The Betty Wright Live album. Boy, we'd groove for hours, and she'd be cooking (good down south food--not southern food, but down south food!) and cleaning the house as friends and family stopped by to say hi. Man... My mom's not just my mom, she's my friend. I learned to groove from this woman, to sing, dance, and move with a joy that relinquishes the pressures that can accompany life. Friday nights with Ma....

Groove on y'all. Whatever your musical taste is...groove on...

To Ava: As I read your posts, I often imagine what it must feel like to be at one of your musical sessions. You all seem to have a really good time.

Using My Voice

"I don't remember them or I never try to remember them."

That was a statement I made about ten years ago or so.

Friends would often give me vivid details of their dreams and then ask me to dissect them. Some seemed significant--like the Spirit speaking and sending the mind on a necessary journey--others, like the brain just needed to fart.

Over time, as I've opened more to the mystical Goddess in me and more to the spiritual realm, I've seen and felt a bit more.

Back story:

At the age of about thirteen, a young Miss Nikki Ann was hiding under her covers, having another restless night over the recent death of her aunt whom she saw and touched in the casket. Miss Nikki Ann felt someone tapping on her foot. She was afraid to look up, but decided that if it was her aunt that she would never do her any harm. Miss Nikki Ann finally found the courage and came from up under the covers. What she saw stuck with her for life, the back of some ethereal being's white wispy robe exiting her bedroom. Miss Nikki Ann told her mom, who then told her to pray to God and ask that he tell her aunt that she loves her but doesn't want her to visit her anymore.

About a year later, Miss Nikki Ann was on the phone with a best friend discussing spiritual & religious matter. Miss Nikki Ann said:

"Don't you feel different? I feel special."

And I wasn't talking about the kind of special that means different and more important than others. I was talking about feeling Spirit and having some weird and inexplicable desire to follow its desires for me.

At the time I never knew just how profound that was and where it'd lead me. But at the young age of fourteen, I did begin to use that special ability more consciously, in more and more mystical ways to solve daily issues.

About six years ago, when I was really a practicing priestess, so to speak, I had a visit in my sleep (cause some things aren't dreams, they're truly visits from other spirits needing to talk with you). They seemed like little water sprites (i'm not sure if that's what they were, but it's what they looked like). They looked as if they were made up of water, they glistened and were hard to keep my eyes on, but I could clearly see their eyes and mouths. But they didn't speak to me. They seemed to be working on my body, with a great intensity. An intensity so great that upon awakening, I felt pain everywhere from their touches. And just to get their point across, they made sure that the pain lasted for days so that I wouldn't doubt their work on me--like some doubt the works of past mystical workers (like Jesus). From that day on I knew. What did I know? Only what those who are willing to open up to the experience know. Trust me, you'll know if you know it. And it's not some select club, it's for anyone willing to take the ride.

Which leads me to this...

Last night my spirit put me through a story. It went like this:

I'm at a department store. Lots of girls are there. Girls I know. I got there after coming back from another mini journey my spirit was on that entailed my brother and computer technology. But I digress. At the store every one's trying on clothes. Soon I see lots of interesting characters--hustlers, bootleggers, and that kinda sort.

Then the scene changes to what appears to be a huge church at the back of the store. I hear of some strange goings on. A woman snatches me into a bathroom and gives me two sharp knives, which I slip under each sleeve;I can still sense the pain of the sharp ends piercing my fingers as they slide out. I am told that I am supposed to get past security with the knives, and that if I do so, I will be compensated and inducted into this group of hustlers. I see Tasha Smasha (hey Tasha) and she's obviously attempting to do the job too. I get past security. Then begin a dialogue with spirit.

I said, "I don't want to enter that church with these knives. It doesn't feel right. And I don't care about the money."

Spirit said, "Drop the knives. If you know me the way you say you do, you know that everything is already taken care of. Trust in me."

I dropped the knives into some high grass and ran into the church. There were two entrances into the sanctuary. I passed the first one, lot of my old church family members were standing there. I peered through the door of the second entrance--noting how safe it'd be to go that way, not having to speak to anyone, just slipping into a back pew.

But spirit spoke, "As usual, you're trying to take the easy way out. Listen to the singing. Listen and go to them."

So I headed back to the first entrance where my old church members were. And all of a sudden spirit overcame me. I began singing a Kelly Price spiritual with the group.

Spirit said, "No! Open your mouth, child, and sing! You lead the song! Sing!"

So I took the lead, singing, "You shall always be Lord of all..."

And I mean, I sang that song. I sang that song until I cried a low growl of a cry. I sang that song until everyone around me was moved to the upper levels of heaven in their hearts and ego-based minds.

"I love you Lord because you heard my cry and pitied every groan... You shall always be Lord of all..."

I sang and sang until I awoke from the story. My eyes opened and I felt actual human tears forming. I replayed that song over and over in my head, wanting so much in the wee hours to lift my hands up and sway and rock myself.

"Because you heard my cry and pitied every groan... Lord of all..."

And then, with my eyes wide open, Spirit spoke, saying, "It's time--"

And I already knew what Spirit was going to say, so I said, "It's time to open my mouth an use my voice."

"Yes," Spirit said. "O', how you've avoided it. But it's time."

You shall always be Lord of all.

"Thank you for hearing my human cry and giving me the time to accept what is so that has always been so and what will always be so whether I accept or agree or not."

Amen,

Nikki Ann


A memory: Tasha Smasha, do you remember the day, back at Tuskegee University, when you had a financial worry? And I told you to put those worries aside and spend that last ten dollars anyway. And I promised you that if my instructions failed you that I, myself, would refund you that money. And I never had to do so. It seemed that everything, after all, was okay...

En
chan
ted