i've hurt someone. or, if you want to speak in a more "enlightened" sense, someone has allowed something i've done to hurt them. and that hurt has lingered for years (almost 10 years!). i apologized because i don't like doing things that hurt people.
and at the same time, i had to move from apology into a place of not looking back, despite the person's feelings about my "old" actions.
to "over apologize" is to not let go. i believe in a thing called "perfect forgiveness." and though i have not mastered it, i understand why it's so important:
your past, if given the chance, would tie you down an leave you for dead--make you believe that you're something you no longer are.
so i've reevaluated my "old" actions and "reinstated" the peace i feel about my "old" actions. i can't afford to return to self-destruction simply to assure someone that i wish i hadn't done them any harm.
but the ultimate and scary truth?
people's actions can only hurt us if we decide that they can.
no one's hurt me...i've only hurt myself.
but i know that those are thoughts of Masters, like Jesus. but wasn't he the one who spoke about the amazing things that we humans would do? and is it so hard to believe that "perfect forgiveness" exists?
we must stop limiting our minds and our abilities. perfect forgiveness is a possibility. the problem is that as you leave bullcrap behind, even those who care about you will want to entice you back to the past, to keep reliving those moments.
RUN!
and if possible, if you can find the courage not to care what people think, never look back--unless you're utilizing your past as a tool to help steer others in a more positive direction.
yes, i apologized. but i'm looking forward to "evolved" friendships where it's understood that there may be hurt, and that all those fluffy and apologetic words aren't needed when we fall short of each other. and as i examine my life, i find that the universe is giving me those types of people who can keep moving forward without needing to exchange apologies.
CRYSTAL, PAUL, TURKESSA, TASHA, ERICA, PRESTON...
you are just a FEW of those people.
my goal is mastery. if i set the bar any lower i will disappoint God (if that's even possible). And who but somebody in HELL wants to do that?
FYI: any old friends of Nikki's (not Miss Nikki Ann, but Nikki) who are reading this and have been hurt by any of her actions, do not be surprised or offended if you call me up and i act as if nothing ever happened. and if i find that "i've allowed' any of your actions to hurt me in anyway, i will--someway, somehow--get the fuck over it and call you up like nothing ever went down. i owe it to you to release you of your negative past, and i owe it to myself, so that i can expedite the healing process. pain shouldn't have to linger for years--even for a murderer.
But that's just My Truth.
Miss Nikki Ann
