Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

And for those who don't celebrate Halloween...

Happy Tuesday, October 31, 2006.

Holiday or no holiday, for me, living another day is reason enough to be happy.

Now I must go and FORCE Sir to put on his pumpkin costume so that he can go to playgroup and show it off. I'll let youz all know how it goes.


Monday, October 30, 2006


Tomorrow is the big day. Sir is supposed to be a pumpkin, but he hates his costume. Last year he fell asleep after only handing out two rounds of candy, this year I'm hoping he'll endure just a little longer. Hey, maybe I'll let him stay up 5 minutes past his 7 p.m. bedtime. Yeah right! That would be 5 minutes less of sanity for me--I don't think so.

Sir and I have been running into these two adorable little girls in the park. They look to be about 11 or 12 years old. More and more we've been chatting with each other. And let me be honest, they love Sir and entertain him while I take a moment and enjoy swinging on the swings--it's the most natural high.

Upon our last parting, the girls informed me that they'd be back this coming Wednesday to play with Sir. When I asked what they did when they weren't at the park, one commented that she does her schoolwork and watches television. Our conversation went like this:

I said, "Well, it's Friday, I know you girls must have something fun planned."

Girl #1 responded, "Yeah, I have a party to go to tonight. Actually, it's a Halloween party and I have two to go to this weekend."

Girl #1 had the sweetest smile on her face. It reminded of all the wonders of childhood. Her skinned glowed and her youthful body gave way to premature curves that would one day be the mark of her womanhood.

Girl #2 hung her head low and kicked at the ground. "Yeah, I don't know why I wasn't invited to that party."

I looked at Girl #2. She was beautiful, but her beauty was different than her friends. Something from inside her glowed. So much possibility leaped from her essence. She didn't know who she was, and even worse, it seemed she couldn't figure out why no one else knew who she was.

I looked at her some more and decided not to say anything, then I thought back to all the times we were in the park; I'd be at the opposite end, and somehow she'd always gravitate towards me...

**Hmph. Nikki Ann stops to think**

She was only seeking to be recognized. Seeking to be cared about. Looking to be loved. She wanted a friend who could really see her.

**Nikki Ann sighs**

Makes me think about many people in my life and how they gravitated toward me, or me toward them. There's an unconscious knowingness when you meet a kindred spirit. When you meet a human being and feel instantly drawn and connected to them.

I hope to see her on Wednesday. And I don't mean physically see her; I hope to truly see who she is.

Just the other day I said to Paul, "I see you." And then I finished with, "I just keep hoping that people see me."

But my true quest...
To see MYSELF.

I see all of you.

Do you see me?

Do you see yourself?

--Miss Nikki Ann

2,285 Sundays To Go

I'm In Dreamland...

I hope everyone is doing well. I didn't get a chance to post the other day, so I thought I'd do a quick drop-in to say HELLO again. Will come back soon after I've stopped dreaming... I go through these phases. And soon afterwards, I always have a breakthrough. I can't wait.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Happy Friday

Just wanted to stop by and say, HELLO! I'll try to come back later when Sir isn't yelling at me, as he's doing this instant.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

2,286 Sundays To Go

In lieu of my recent anxieties and fears, I'm gonna borrow from a forwarded email that I received from Ang today. It's one that most of you have probably read; and I feel compelled to post it here. I could go on and on about the stress I've been so forcefully putting myself through, but it is more productive to contain and then dismantle my fears, than to spread it to others like wildfire.

Friends and Family

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's "dance recital" he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays." "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.

There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."

"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast" "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.

And so, as one smart bear once said..."If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh.

Pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means sending it to the person that sent it to you.

And if you receive this e-mail many times from many different people, it only means that you have many FRIENDS.

And if you get it but once, do not be discouraged for you will know that you have at least one good friend...And that would be ME.

After doing my own calculations, I realized that I have 2,286 Sundays left until I'm 75 (that's my rough math--math isn't my strongest point). I don't think I'll opt to do the marbles thing, but I am going to find another significant way to countdown my Sundays (I've chosen Sundays instead of Saturdays, fits my life better). I figure this will be another device to help me stay in the moment, to truly live more consciously; I'm hopeful that you will find (or have already found) your own special ways to do the same. My thoughts are with you all.
May we reach a point in our lives where our fears cease to exist, and love permeates and encompasses our being.
--Miss Nikki Ann

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Truth?

My Stress comes when I allow the world's issues to ride on my back.

There are so many different people on this earth. So many different stories that make us all who we are. No excuses need to be made...just understanding. We come into this world whole beings. And then our lives are spent trying to regain pieces of ourselves that have been chipped away by various things. And in our search to replace those missing parts, we steal from other people. We try to take their courage, fame, diginity, privacy, family, money, self-respect, peace, love, happiness... It is just as bad to steal someone's love as it is to steals someone's money--It disconnects us from ourselves. It makes us believe the untruth that we aren't whole enough by ourselves. That whole will supply what we need; if we'd only believe that we are enough, that we don't need to bring another down to build ourselves up. If we could only believe in a world where everyone is strong. If we could only strip away the lie that only the strong survive. Trust me, the weak do survive, and they could be robbing your house while you're at work. So if we all must survive and reside on this earth, why not build a better and more supportive system. A system where each person is respected for the way God created her/him. A system that utilizes each individual's talents, instead of calling one group of people talented.

I hate to hear this: "Have you seen Dick and Jane's son? He's a genius."

We are all born geniuses. Yes, all. Even those whom we mistakingly call retarded. The day the world can accept that, is the day we will live life according to the way spirit moves us.

I am a genius. And so are you.

I am enough. And so are you.

There's enough for me. And there's enough for you.

I am trying to remember the truth about my self. Would you like to do the same?

I don't hate you, I only hate me; and in hating myself, I hate you.


We are all connected. And what one does affects the other.

And that's my truth for today.

Miss Nikki Ann

Ranting and Raving

Yahoo! Avatars

I could just go on and on today; poor Thembi had to suffer with listening to me vent. Sorry Tee Tee! Then I spoke with Tasha and I don't know if she realized how fussy and off I was. Sorry Tasha Smasha! It's one of those days when I should have gotten back into bed and started all over again. Anywho, it's 9 p.m. and I should be in bed, there's no need to make myself suffer any longer.

LOL! I'm sorry, I'm over here chuckling at myself. I'm so silly, really. **Nikki Ann pats herself on the back and tells herself it'll be okay**

That's me at the top in the Breast Cancer Awarness shirt, standing in that corporate office (notice how I don't fit well into that surrouding). It represents Miss Nikki Ann against the Corporate Structure. **Nikki Ann pumps her fist in the air** FREEDOM FROM THE MACHINE! FREEDOM FROM BIG BROTHER!



I'm going to bed, y'all!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm Trying To Kill Myself...

With Fear:

Fear that I won't get enough sleep. Fear that I won't have enough energy to give to Sir during the day. Fear that I won't be able to accomplish any tasks. Fear that Sir will be fussy and temperamental all day. Fear that his bad attitude will lead me to want to knock him the hell out. Fear that I'll never finish editing my book. Fear that my writing will never generate any cash flow. Fear that I'm not helping folks realize their desires. Fear that I can't hold the high vibration of love for more than a few seconds. Fear that I'll never make it a full day without feeling down. Fear that I am misunderstood. Fear that I have too much faith in my faith. Fear that to be at my optimal health would mean sacrificing things I use as crutches. Fear that if I leave the house after noon, there will be too many people on the streets for my timid personality to bear. Fear that someone will try to project their negative energies my way. Fear that I know all of these fears are fake, but that if I wake from them, I'll truly have to live.

I Fear...


And thus, unconsciously, I spend my days slowly trying to kill myself.


Ultimately, my fears are lies; and my blessed greatness is where my truth resides.

So God sends my Spirit to say to me: "Miss Nikki Ann, I dare You to be great."

And My reply is: "I accept the challenge."

And Spirit confirms: "Then it is already done."

Friday, October 20, 2006

It's Friday?

So, I'm trying to do three tasks at once, while Sir is napping--which only lasts a few minutes. I'm watching The Office on Tivo, doing something on the computer for my mom, and trying to type this post...A few too many things at once.

Tonight we're supposed to have high winds around 40-50 mph. I can't wait. There's nothing like a stormy, windy fall night, listening to the leaves brushing up against things outside. Today I tried to pay particular attention to be beautifal fall foliage; it's peak it approaching and I don't want to miss a thing. The other day Sir and I spotted this beautiful hot pink leaf. It was breathtaking and I had to stop and admire it, knowing that its color wouldn't last forever. *sigh*

Anywho! Shout out to Ang for selling her house and closing on a new one!

Today I approached a woman who was in JC Penney with her two children who were in a stroller. The older child was playing with a retro electronics game; it was that red, phone-ish-looking toy with numbers on it. I commented how I couldn't believe they had one and asked where she'd gotten it. She reminded me that the toy is called Melin and told me to check on line. I wanted to post it here for those who can't remember how it looks, but I'm not working on my own computer and I keep getting a block when I try to post a picture Oh well!

I justed wanted to say, hi. I'm excited to view the rest of The Office before Sir stirs from his sleep. I'll chat with youz latas.

Crap...he's up. *sigh* I guess that was about a 15 minute nap. Mom is laughing at me. I just told her: "Sometimes I can't stand him. Why can't he just get some damn sleep! Shit!" Yes, those were my exact words. Now she's laughing even more. I'm laughing too. I love my mom! I'm glad she finds humor in my stressful moments. Actually I just think she's laughing at me, remembering how it was when she was raising my brother and me.

And now that I've released that frustration, I guess I should go and get Sir...I guess. Maybe he wants to watch The Office too...

The computer won't let me use the spell check, so forgive my typos.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Red Velvet Cloak

My computer is down in a major way; they have to reinstall windows and everything...bummer. It's gonna cost more than I have, but as usual, I'll be sent what I need to get the job done...Serendipity. And obviously God has sent me another avenue if I'm writing to you now. My birthday passed (Thanks Erica for the shout out!). I've been here 31 interesting years and it just keeps getting better...and more interesting. Thanks to everyone who called and wished me the best. Sir is healing well and is, at this very moment, harassing me about his snack. He now says the word chip--at times we believe he's saying shit. He's saying it now...LOL! What would I do without the aggravation and frustration he puts me through? I used my birthday money to indulge in my favorite thing, books!

For many years I had passed James Redfield's popular novels, The Celestine Prophecy and The Tenth Insight, on the bookshelf--too engrossed in writers like Neale Donald Walsch, Paulo Coelho, SARK, Marianne Williamson, and Julia Cameron. Last week I serendipitously noticed his books, never having intentions on actually ever reading them. My spirit danced and I knew I had to sit down and read them right there. While reading The Celestine Prophecy, a Caucasian woman wearing a red, floor-length, velvet cloak mysteriously passed by. I was intrigued, actually thrown off, but I kept on reading the book. Moments later she appeared in the aisle I was in. I looked up and admired her awesome red velvet cloak and noted to myself how her presence energized me. I wanted to spark up conversation, but my timidness didn't allow me. I returned to the book and wondered what she would have had to say if I'd actually spoken with her. In the end, I did purchase the books and read the first one in the matter of three days (a big deal for a busy mom) and am almost finished with the second book. And all along I've still wondered about the woman in the red cloak. The point? Life sets up grand opportunities for us and we turn them down over and over again.

Years ago I'd decided to consciously allow God to provide serendipity, the Universe, intuition, and coincidence to lead me. It was God's great gift to me and I enjoyed every minute of it--it took me to grand places where I met grand people and experienced grand things. Since having Sir, I've noticed that I still use these tools that God has given me, but I wasn't using them consciously or as often as I used to. James Redfield's books are helping me to re-identify with those things I'd pushed to the back of my mind. It's time for them to resurface and merge with the other wisdom that I have gained through those years. I'm timid about it all; but I'm willing, able and ready for a refreshing journey.

Thanks Mr. Redfield, your thoughtful writing gave me the extra spark I needed.

I plan on going back to the bookstore soon. And if I see the woman in the red velvet cloak, I won't hesitate to find out what she knows...maybe it'something I need to know...maybe it was just a beautiful cloak. Time will tell...It always does.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Creative Flow

I am overwhelmed with creative thoughts, almost to the point where it's frustrating; so many thoughts, so little time-- at least it seems. Years ago I'd feel odd bursts like this, but I could never figure out what they were about. Now I know that it's my inner artist wanting to get going. I keep trying to follow her and not discourage myself. It's like I'm on an artistic binge, ingesting so many things. I spend my days dreaming and toying with ideas that I try out at night. And sometimes, I find myself picking up a pen and writing an entire installment or sketching something. The other day I created two new characters and the entire story behind them. It's frustrating because this creative flow keeps me from sleeping or paying close attention to my daily tasks. Consumed. Consumed by creativity, but only having a few hours at night to put all of those thoughts into action. And right now, I've got a booming headache. My mind is way too busy for my body to keep up with and so things are just shutting down. At times I have to turn the switch on creativity and force her to rest. She doesn't know that rest is great fuel--her only goal is to create.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Sir

Sir's surgery went well. And actually, the house is really quiet now. And ya' know, I don't know how to handle it. Mom said to me, "Ya just don't know what ta do with yourself, do ya?" NOPE! I don't know how many of you know this, but Sir has been a fussy, nosy, outgoing, social busy-body since he was conceived. Having been sick the entire pregnancy, I should have known the type of baby he'd be--a fussy, nosy, outgoing, social busy-body. When I brought him home from the hospital he REFUSED to sleep...EVER!...Unless...he was nursing. He nursed all day around the clock; and would still do the same today if I allowed it. Even now he doesn't nap (never has) and isn't excited about bedtime (he's just too pooped to put up a fight). As an infant he fussed all day; as a toddler he fusses the majority of the day. Fuss, fuss, fuss.

So you'd think I'd be overjoyed that he's still knocked out from the drugs and unable to get around because of the epidural he had today. In truth? I'm just plain confused and have no idea what to do with this free time. So here I sit. Typing.

Having been in and out of the hospital with my nephew's sickle cell anemia, I am very used to the Children's Hospital (plus Sir had been once before). But this visit was even more enlightening as a grandmother described the 9 hour surgery that her granddaughter was having on her heart. I turned to mom and said, "Wow, some of these kids are REALLY sick." And mom thoroughly understands sickness, being a cancer patient herself (having undergone Chemo, radiation and now sickening drugs that she takes everyday). But to watch the little ones suffer brings my life, and Sir's, into a great contrast and divide and I realize that...

Shit ain't that bad
(pardon that one, I needed to let that out).

So as we rode home with our fussy, nosy, outgoing busy-body, I tried to forgive all the crazy drivers and all the mean and nasty folks around us.

Shit ain't that bad.

And now, I'm trying to refocus and appreciate the wonderful and crazy life I've created for myself.

Shit ain't that bad.

And I pray that the little girl heals well and fast. I pray that her heart continues to beat on well and beyond her 90s. I pray that all of our ill babies receive the proper healthcare and treatment they deserve. And I pray that we grown folks treat our bodies with the care and respect they deserve...cause shit ain't that bad, but if we ain't careful...

... it sho can be.

Now go...

Monday, October 02, 2006

Post Secret

Interesting blog:


Shut Up Already!

Tunisia sent me a email today; at the end there was a Walt Whitman quote that went like this:

"Every hour of every day is an unspeakably perfect miracle."
--Walt Whitman

And though this is true, sometimes I forget to see the miraculous perfection in it all. Nothing is coincidental. Nothing is accidental. Everything is as it should be. And yet, sometimes I create something and then forget that it was something I desired. I get lost in trying to move further and beyond my original creation. I feel stuck and miserable...That is, until I see my life in contrast to something else (like that Walt Whitman quote). In those moments I remember my truth--that I've created this life by the grace of God, and it is going according to my original wishes. And the moment I desire a change, I will BECOME the change, not just expecting the change to OVERCOME me. Until then, it would save me my sanity and a lot of energy if I'd just shut up and go with the flow of my life. Just shut up already. Shut up before I talk myself into an anxiety attack. Shut up before I take my life for granted. Shut up before I say something I don't really feel or embody.

Shuttin' up can be a miracle in itself.


Image From "Thembi & Preston: What Love Looks Like"

Dancing at the reception
Notice the groom's endearing gaze. Wow! A woman receiving such a gaze from a man is a blessing to behold...breathtaking. This moment will help her to remember why she still loves him after he's gotten on her last nerve! LOL!
FYI: The bride did wear two gowns that night. How divine!

Image From "Thembi & Preston: What Love Looks Like"

The bride and groom at the rehearsal dinner.

Image From "Thembi & Preston: What Love Looks Like"

The bride and groom at the rehearsal dinner with the flower girl and ring bearer.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

A Sigh of Relief

Crystal, Tunisia, E.Craig & Ang--It was good to hear from you all. And E.Craig, I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to read my blog. I stopped by yours today, your latest post is very touching--congrats to you and your family for their accomplishments.

And me? Just watching Isom press his non-toxic crayons into the apple he stole from the kitchen (he can now reach high up enough to get to the fruit bowl). I guess I'm happy he's a healthful eater, but I'm not overly fond of his newly discovered mobility. And those crayons? Well, at least their non-toxic! It could be worse. Hey, a lot of things could be worse.

Ang, I didn't call you because my best friend, LuCiana, popped in late last night and stayed until about 1 a.m. And boy did we need each other's company (she and her hubby have 4 kids at home). She wanted to be listened to (the kids at her two pieces of pizza--it sent her soaring) and I wanted to vent about my jadedness. Yes, I'm tired from being up so late, but at least I don't feel as jaded--but still jaded enough.

Now I must go and collect all of the gnawed-on crayons.