Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Story: Epipen and Nasty Nan

found myself alone with an amazing from scratch spaghetti with meat sauce by one of my favorite family-owned restaurants.  this is new england, so great italian food is not hard to come by (and i ain't talking processed olive garden shit).  this was my second day with the same dish.  the day before the outside and inside of my mouth began to set on fire from the onions.  but i wanted it so bad that i kept going.

i am highly allergic to onions, scallions and garlic.  highly.

i am also prone to being an idiot.

but how can one live in a highly italian populated area and not eat onions and garlic?  it is near impossible.

a little over a year ago i had to epipen myself after coming into contact with onions.  let me be clear: i did not even consume the onions, mom was cooking with them on the OTHER SIDE of the house.  my throat began to close up...what a horror

now here we are.  a little over a year later.  i HAD been diligent about even being near onions/scallions/garlic.

this time, not only did my mouth and esophagus get set on fire but my entire body felt as if it were being cremated.

then my throat began to close up.

i panicked.

grabbed 2 benadryls.

and refused to epipen (i have heart issues and the epipen's epinephrine causes my heart too many issues).

but...it kept closing.

i panicked even more.

tried to find the epipen in my purse.  couldn't.

dialed my mom while the 8-year-old watched me in horror as i flung all the shit from my purse onto the floor.

found it.

stabbed myself with it.

cried like an idiot who had forgotten that she'd CHOSEN to put her body at risk.

popped another benadryl and then some clonazepam, propanolol and emergency inhaler.  yelled at the 8-year-old to rub liquid benadryl on my raw back.

waited and sat in front of a fan to cool my burning body down.

time passed.

i survived...

and noted that Nasty Nancy (nickname i gave to our new pet dwarf hamster whose real name is Ala Luv Cake) slept through the entire episode--my screaming, crying and everything.

then the 8-year-old gave me a lecture.

then mom gave me a lecture.

i did not give myself a lecture.

later that night, i gave Nasty Nan (short for her Nasty Nancy nickname (yes, i am an idiot)) a lecture about not having my back and sleeping through my hellish episode.

Nasty Nan looked at me.  sniffed the finger that i was pointing at her cage.  and did what Nasty Nan does: got in her wheel (which she truly thinks is her bathroom) and shat and pissed in it while running to nowhere.


wait...did i mention that i think Katt Williams is a genius?

i know some of you will have to google that name.