The boy whom I will now affectionately refer to as...Master Pan Dulce (pronounced: Pan-Dools-a, which means Sweet Bread in Spanish). I will refrain from inserting his real name due to the known risks of photo and information sharing on the Internet. Let's just say that he has my father and Peanut's full name, which makes him the third. Also, I did a little research and found that if translated his real name would mean something like: The man whom God hath sent to care for the people of the community. At least that's MY translation. Anywho, here's Master Pan Dulce...
"We have bigger houses but smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicines, but less healthiness; We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; We have become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are times of fast foods but slow digestion; Tall man but short character; Steep profits but shallow relationships. It's a time when there is much in the window, but nothing in the room."
Sometimes folks remake a song and you just want to yell leave it the hell alone! Then there are other times, like this, when it's done so beautifully that it's brought to the next level and you want to cry.
Now rewind to Rihanna's Live Performance of "Umbrella"
when I went to e.Craig's blog and began viewing an amazing video of exotic women across the world. All of a sudden...BOOM!...my face popped up--and more than once! Man, I'll tell ya', the universe doesn't allow a sista' to feel down for too long (especially with this new wave I'm riding). It's been a long and hot sweaty day (I went with Sir and his buddies downtown to the carousel). I wasn't feeling sexy AT ALL. But now...I feel a whole lot better.
"Craig, you're after my heart."
Now I can go and work until the friggin' wee hours with a smile on my face.
FYI: Sometimes the quality of my audio recordings aren't that great. I'm usually calling in from a cell phone as I am exercising, and that makes for murky waters. But I post them all anyway, just as you don't rip a page out of a diary or journal simply because it wasn't perfect. At least, most of the time you don't! LOL! Y'all have a good one. I know I will.
My thoughts for the day... (Key topics: ebb and flow, riding the wave, serendipity, synchronicity). Please note: In my anecdote about Hawaii and New York, I got the the destinations a little twisted, but you'll get the gist of it. Hey, that's what happens with live material--imperfections.
Let me say this while my spirit is moving me to. I recently posted some random thoughts about Sir and received a moving response from a long-time friend. Let me tell y'all the truth. Sometimes it is hard to come to this page and be totally bare and butt-ass-naked with you all. I have an abundance of fears just like the next person, and it takes so much out of me each time I post anywhere on the Internet. At times people are harsh, mean, cruel, unyielding, unsympathetic...and I never know who will or will not take to what I claim my truths to be. And I'm pretty sure lots of you have had times when you just rolled your eyes at the things I've had to say (sometimes I roll my own eyes at my audacious thoughts). But despite it all, something keeps bringing me to write what I write. What I know is this: the more I reveal about my life, the more people are open to coming forward and revealing themselves.
We've come to a time where people are removing their masks. We were all born for this time, or else we would have been born during another time. Thank you, Tasha. Thank you for taking off your mask and admitting your faults. Thank you for deciding to forgive yourself for those faults, so that you can build on being a better mother.
Each day I fall on my face when I'm dealing with Sir, my family, friends, strangers, rabbits, dogs, myself, trees...but I TRY to state my errors, dust my silly ass off, forgive myself and utilize that knowledge to continue on with the walk of life. And then I present it here to you. Thank you for coming to this page. Thank you for being open. And thanks to those who are willing to remove their masks and truly show themselves.
"Hello, my name is Nikki. Today I defended gays, today I felt the urge to yell at my son--on other days I have yelled at him, today I felt the need to do away with organized religion, today I felt the need to bow down and pray to God, today I felt free, today I felt enslaved. Today, no matter what I felt, I LIVED. I didn't take a gun to my head; I didn't choose the easy way out. I lived this bitch as hard as I could. I wanted to cry. I wanted to apologize to about three people. I wanted to yell, kick and fucking scream. But no matter what, I lived this motherfucka. And I am here. I. Am. Here. I AM because that's what I was born for: TO BE."
There are so many things I could say about this short film, but my time is short, so I'll keep it short. Let me just say that this film offers a look at what possibilities lie ahead for this world if we could look at the picture as a whole.
We set off a chain reaction whenever we try to help ourselves. And when helping ourselves from an ego-based standpoint, we merely create other problems. But when helping ourselves from a loving standpoint, we have the opportunity to heal the world. Examine your life in a "syncrhonistic" way. And note how things turned out when you helped yourself from a place of ego instead of a place of love. How many people were affected by your actions? What was the outcome?
Simply: when we do a thing, it WILL and DOES affect more individuals and things than we can fathom in that moment.
My goodness, I'd like to elaborate, there just isn't enough time.
long day watched Sir playing with kids at neighbor's family reunion cookout watched closely watched him being a boy not a newborn not an infant not a toddler not even just a child but specifically... a boy. he's a boy and boy am i blessed there are moments when Sir and I are around childless folks and i worry i worry because he's a BOY a wild, silly, busy, throwing, touching, breaking, hitting, kicking BOY there are moments when Sir and I are around folks who have "mannered/tamed" kids and i worry because he truly LIVEs OUT LOUD WITHOUT ANY APOLOGY as a child should live as adults SHOULD live i worry that he's living too much that his living might annoy others who don't live i worry to the point of making myself ill, secluding myself when he was born i knew he wasn't gonna be one of those "easy" babies i asked God for forgiveness for all the other folks with "busy" children whom i'd judged heck, when he was in the womb, i should have known by how ill i was that he would be a live-out-loud kind of guy and i love him i love him when he approaches folks and doesn't care about invading their personal space i love him when he's pushing his friends and STRANGERS around i love him when he gets upset that others are pushing him around i love him because he makes me reevaluate my sheepish ways i love him because he teaches me acceptance and patience i love him because he is sooooo not me i love him for him and to all of you folks out there with "quiet and always obedient children"... watch out! Sir might come for a visit and rock your world... the way he's rocked mine and i am thankful.
here's to making folks nervous and living out loud without apology.
I'm trying to stay focused on my project, so I wanted to drop by and let you all know that there may be days when I don't post throughout the rest of this month. Hang in there with me, though. I'm trying to take my scattered efforts and procrastination and box them up for a while, making only a few things top priority. Unfortunately, blogging has to take a backseat for the rest of the month, which also means that I won't be reading my favorite blogs as often either. But I will be twittering--that I refuse to give up!.
I will post when I can.
And this project is dedicated to anyone who has the desire to follow their hearts, but find that fear is keeping them from it. I'm doing this for you (and me! LOL).
only 54 degrees out, never did make it into the 60s. i went to the movies this morning and found myself wearing a sweater jacket and pumping the heat in the car. it's raining and it's dreary--that's New England for you. and around here it can go from 54 degrees to 90 overnight, so only God knows what tomorrow will look like. for those dealing with the heat, stay hydrated.
It's at these times when you want to turn back, and every fear inside of you says that you should be turning back...
Miss Nikki Ann turns around; seeing nothing but darkness, she decides to move forward. She walks along the way, tripping on things she can't see, feeling for walls to be used as guides. Slowly there appears a light, but as the walk turns into a journey, she realizes that it'll be awhile before she reaches the light. She panics, fear spreading throughout her body. Sensing that the journey's too long, she turns around and heads back in the other direction. But there is no light. And without any light she has no way to gauge whether or not she's headed somewhere or nowhere. So she turns back around, seeing no light, but determined that if she puts on foot in front of the other, she'll soon come to a place of light. She moves forward, this time standing on her own, no support from the side walls. And the light appears. It's still far, but reaching, it's essence pulling her closer and closer. She continues to move to the unknown. And the walk is long, but along the way it becomes more lighted and she begins to see specks of light like she's never seen before, fragrances she's never smelt before. The path grows more lighted and she stops to look around. Suddenly she can make out faces. Faces of people she knows and people she's never seen before. And she sees you. You've been there all along, journeying with her. You all look forward, knowing that there is still a ways to go, but now knowing that the entire journey itself is the destination and the light you'll arrive at will only be another marker on an endless path to forever.
Thank you for journeying with. And though it's dark out here, we continue to walk toward greater. And you're being here with me makes this sometimes dark journey well worth the travel. You are my destination. I am my destination. Let's go...
just finished watching some Karrine TV. my site meter is showing that people who research Karrine's name are coming to my page instead of going directly to Karrine.com. **Miss Nikki Ann shrugs her shoulders**
"hi there to all you folks interested in Karrine. i, too, find her to be an interesting woman."
it's been a special day of rest (cleaned up lots of poop) and i'm preparing myself for a ride that i've been long avoiding. today is my last day of rest, tomorrow i'll be venturing into some murky water. so for those whom i actually keep in contact with by phone every other year (y'all know i'm terrible with phone calls) be at ease in knowing that i'm tied up and will be that way for some time (wishing that i could be "tied up" by someone instead of something--yes, i'm talking dirty talk to someone in particular).
so...lots to do and very little guts. and though i'm lacking in guts, i'm willing to put one finger in front of the other to accomplish the task. i've enjoyed--most of the time--doing things for other people, but am now determined to do what i need to do for myself. and though it sounds exciting, it entails so much work and patience that i'd almost like to runaway from it (as i have many times before to many exotic islands, sunbathing and procrastinating my ass off). but i am determined and willing to forgive myself for procrastinating as long as i have.
now i must go and rest so that tomorrow i can't use the "i'm too tired to..." line.
goodnight to you all and may you find the strength to pursue your heart's desires despite how you've failed/disappointed yourself many times before.
I'm feeling a bit under the weather after a long weekend of partying. Peanut and Tee Tee's party was amazing (Peanut had a HUGE surprise fireworks show for Tee Tee that night. And I'm not talking sparklers, I'm talking "you need the town's permission" for this type of a show. AMAZING and BIG and LOUD and LONG.) Anywho, me, mom, Aunt Theldra, Gia, Erika, Tony, Crystal and Peanut put lots of man hours into preparing for the "it's not a baby shower" party. The house was full of folks, as were the garage, the basement and the backyard. We'd worked really hard on the menu and from my understanding (I was so busy that I didn't eat) the food was great.
The point is that I'm so tired that I can't see straight. And in that same week I went to the Beyonce concert, which was held at the casino, and I then went to the casino again at the end of the week with my godbrother (causing me to hit the sack at 3 am). Busy, busy, busy. I think I caught a bug at the concert--and coupled with the lack of sleep and lots hard work on (AND at) the party, a sista' is done!
But today I went to one of my favorite sites to find that I'd been mentioned on the writer's blog and in his audio post; I was so excited that I played it for mom and it truly made my day. It's his August 3rd post, and if you scroll down you'll see a button that you can push to listen to his show. The show is about 30 minutes long and I suggest that you listen to it in it's entirety if you have the time, since I think it's a great show. But if you're short on time, you can fast forward and I believe my mention is about 13 minutes in. Here's the link: http://www.fridayfavecast.com/wp/.
Because of these wonderful folks, I continue to have a love and passion for internet interaction--and a bad case of procrastination when I'm supposed to be working but find myself reading and listening to what's going on in their lives. And I thank them for being a bigger part of my day than they can imagine--especially since I've never met these folks!
Sigh... I am actually toying with the idea of not purchasing any toys for Sir that are manufactured in China, being that a recent study has shown that 60% of toy recalls were of toys manufactured in China. Actually, I think I've just made a final decision: no toys from China. Period. That's done. (I just couldn't sit here, complain and not do something. If we keep buying Chinese Manufactured toys, the demand won't go down. And as long as demands up, the companies don't feel the pressure they need to feel in order to be forced to make necessary changes to maintain their financial status. We, the consumers, ALWAYS have the upper hand; sometimes we just forget that. But I won't be that sucker today! Um, tomorrow could be a different story.)
toddler writing on toys and furniture not good me? trying to keep my cool lots of things to do but not feeling pressured like i have all the time in the world and i kinda do feels like friday it's thursday is it thursday? feeling something inside needing to do something with that something am now doing something with that something